I’ve recently been on somewhat of a mission to help Kingston develop the ability to play alone so that he can learn and discover and make connections independently.
Toddler life is hard. People are constantly telling you what to do and not allowing you to live your life as you intend to (haha). They won’t let you grab those scissors or pull a glass off the table, even if you are just testing cause and effect. No one allows you to scream on the top of your lungs in a store even if you’re just trying to exercise your voice. They tell you to get down when you’re balancing on the edge of the couch and then they get mad when you hit or answer “no” to everything under the sun. Toddler life is just hard. You have to eat what your grown ups say, go to bed when they tell you to, get into the stroller when they demand it, and generally don’t have much say in everyday life. I have reasons for actively trying to develop Kingston’s independence and ability to play on his own. Some of those reasons include:
-his sanity
-my sanity
-Just kidding, of course there’s his cognitive and emotional growth, confidence, assertiveness, decision making abilities, etc.
This is not a how-to guide. But just some ways I am aiming to develop Kingston’s confidence and ability to play and discover on his own within my own home and little family of two.
1. Set up (or provide him with) materials that he can use ALONE.
When I set out playdough, I set it out on it’s own, not in the container. One day his fingers will be strong enough to ply that lid off the container, but that day has not yet arrived. So, within the first five seconds of playing, he would likely bring me the container and say, “Help. Take it off.” OR get frustrated and throw the container. I need to set him up for success. I set out things that he can approach and begin using right away, ALONE.
2. Leave him alone.
I don’t mean alone in a room, or alone where I cannot see him. I mean leave him alone as in stop bothering him. If my goal is to build his capacity for playing independently, I can’t have this chatty mama interrupting all the time. It’s not time to give him a snack, it’s not time to ask him what he’s doing (there are other times for that!). When he’s playing with animals (a current favorite pastime), I do not need to start sorting the animals by kind or asking him what sound each one makes. I don’t need to see him with the tiger and then run and pull a non-fiction book about tigers off the shelf. If making the tiger sound is part of his plan at the moment, he will do it. If remembering that he has a book about tigers and going to search for it is something he desires, he will do it. I want him to learn to make decisions so I have to let him make decisions. I don’t know what is happening in his mind and what connections are being made. I need to stop bothering him and leave him alone. I have caught myself talking too much and being so in his face. So often we play together, but when I am trying to foster independence, I need to get out of his face and leave him alone.
3. SHUT UP
Not you! Me! Anyone who knows me in any capacity knows how much I love to talk. I am a talker… at work, at home, on the phone, in social gatherings. There aren’t many situations where I don’t have a story to tell or an anecdote to share. I talk to Kingston a lot. While we walk in the stroller, when we’re reading, cooking, watching tv, taking a bath, playing in the park, we are talking. I am talking to him and he is talking to me. BUT, I am nicely reminding myself these days to shut up. Kingston’s mind needs some peace and quiet to give him the space to think and try and discover and explore. He talks to himself A LOT when he is playing on his own. This is part of learning. When he needs me, he will use his voice and come get me or ask me for something. I need to step back and be quiet so his serious thinking can take place.
4. Let it Be
When he is playing on his own, unless something dangerous is happening, I usually just let it be. What I mean is, using materials in any way he deems fit at the moment. I recently set up a plastic plate, two bowls, toddler tweezers, and a bunch of pom poms. The idea was for Kingston to use his fine motor skills to use the tweezers to transfer the pom poms form the plate to the bowl and back. He tried a few times and it was very hard. He is still building enough hand strength to squeeze the tweezers. But once he started picking up the pom poms with his hands, he seemed to notice how light they were. He tossed one over his head and then looked all around for it because he didn’t hear it land. He though this was funny. He picked up the pom poms one by one and threw them over his head and onto the floor. He made some sound each time he did it, which I couldn’t translate into any word. Then he took the plate and tried to use it to scoop pom poms off the floor. He picked them up with his hands and put them back on the plate and then shook the plate hard so the pom poms flew everywhere. I found myself wanting to say, “Ok, enough pom poms on the floor.” But then I was like, why? I put these objects out as an open-ended material that can be used in many different ways. He didn’t use them in the way I intended but who cares? They left hardly any mess and we cleaned them up together at the end. When I see that something is being used in a way that I wouldn’t use it, I try to let it be. I have had years to discover uses for pom poms. It is his turn. Let it be!
5. Ask: Why? Ask: Why Not?
This goes along with letting it be. I had a really wonderful student teacher and then assistant teacher named Mr. Kevin. He is now a fantastic kindergarten teacher standing on his own two feet. We had so many conversations when we worked together about asking why and why not. It is the best piece of classroom advice to give. When you are planning an activity or an exploration with a class, ask yourself why? If you can answer that then do it! And if you have some fears or worries about the activity, then ask yourself why not? If there’s a reason why and no real reason why NOT to do it then go for it; let them experience it.
In our art corner, we have this tube of large brown paper. Kingston has discovered that he can drop things into the tube and they will slide down to the floor. So, at times, he will take every crayon, colored pencil, marker, pen, and anything else he can find on his art cart and put them into the tube. There are times when I lift the tube at 35+ things fall out of the bottom. But when I see him go to the art corner and start dropping materials down the tube, I ask myself, should I stop him? If it’s not clean up time, why? Because that’s not what you do with art supplies… but why not? He’s discovering what happens when he slides the materials into the tube, he’s not using anything dangerously, he’s learning and trying on his own. So why not?!
6. FIND SOMETHING TO DO
I am always complaining about how much I have to do. I literally have so.much.to.do. I do! So, I should do one of those things. This seems obvious and kind of funny but it’s true. If I want to foster independence in Kingston, I need to be independent too. I try to find a task that has been waiting for me when I see him begin some solo play. The best times have been when there is music playing and I am folding clothes or doing dishes (why are there always so many clothes to fold and dishes to do), and I look over and Kingston is playing with some small animals or blocks and talking to himself. Sometimes I stare at him and smile and he looks over and catches me looking at him and he smiles too. We love each other, but we’re learning to be happy with some independent time.
How do you help foster independent play in your littles?
You’re so wise! I wish every parent of a toddler would read this.
This is so awesome. Every toddler’s parent should read this for sure! The point about letting them be, is so powerful and hard for parents to do, I can imagine. Adults seem to always want to make everytime a “teachable moment”, not knowing the importance of them teaching themselves. Thanks for sharing! Love your blog posts!