Originally written in August 2015. Today is the first day of school in NYC and I am about to walk into my 13th year of teaching. I was searching my computer for a post about why I buy a new dress for the first day each year. I couldn’t find it but came across this one instead.
In my pocket: a smile
Don’t smile until Christmas.
Have you ever heard this statement? When I began teaching in 2005, I was actually given this advice from a well-meaning colleague. To me, this statement goes along with, never disclose your age, don’t tell them your first name, never ever give your phone number to parents. All of these statements stem from fear that we need to control everything. They make the assumption that children are mean little evil creatures who want nothing but to steal our power. I laugh to think about a 9 year old chanting your first name while teasing you for being older than her mom. I picture a 12 year old boy shouting, “Ha! You smiled! You are weak! You have no power over us!” Think about a parent, blasting up your phone asking midnight questions about field trips and fashion advice. These are laughable examples of course but what are we really afraid of?
I also think of these statements as part of the “because I said so” philosophy. We want children to do what we said because we said so. Yet we don’t want to show emotion, we take ourselves too seriously, we pretend we are nameless and ageless, and give them nothing human to grab a hold of.
I recently went with my friend Nicole to a vigil for victims of pedestrian crashes. They were handing out signs with victim’s names and ages for us to all hold up. They said each and every victim’s name out loud. Family members stood up and told stories about their loved ones’ lives, talked about their favorite foods and the last trip they took. Helped us to understand that these victims were real people. The idea of putting a name and a story to people is to humanize.
We aim to learn as much about the young people in our classrooms as we can to make connections with them. It is far easier to understand why Tyrell has a hard time during first period once you know that he comes from Brooklyn in the morning and gets dropped off at a family friends house in Washington Heights and then is brought to school in Harlem, a two hour commute in total. It makes for smoother family relations to be able to greet James’ mom as Tricia (and not “James’ Mom”) and to ask how her new job at the post office is going before delving into James’ school life. It makes for a great Monday morning conversation when you saw your students at the school picnic on Saturday and played Frisbee with Jordan, let Robert pet and play with your dog, and played peek-a-boo with Marian’s baby brother. *All things that have actually happened but with student names changed of course. We are able to soften our views on the students as we see them more and more as little people and less as our clients.
And just as we aim to soften our views on them, we want them to soften their views on us. When they walk in the door, your demeanor, your expression, and your words, will tell them exactly how you feel about them, will help determine what kind of day it will be, and will represent who you are as a teacher. When you share along with the students during share time, when you bring in family pictures, and talk about your pets, you are humanizing yourself. My birthday is in September and I always hold myself a little birthday party with my class. I bring in my own snacks and treats for the class and the students delight in singing Happy Birthday. And yes, I allow the “are you 1, are you 2…” song to get all the way up to my age (great math activity!) and they cheer and clap when I finally tell them to stop. I listen and smile inside when I hear comments such as, “That is older than my mommy,” and “My titi said you look like a teenager.” What bliss to have them making connections between their teacher and their family! I am honored.
When I teach writing lessons and model writing my own stories, I use real stories from my life. As the year goes on, students will say things like, “remember when Laila peed under your Christmas tree” and, along with that child, I can laugh out loud with a really belly laugh because, yes, I DO remember when Laila peed under my Christmas tree because it really happened. Parents will text me with, “I heard you and Ms. Williams ran a half marathon. Congrats!” And I can text back a genuine thank you and feel warmth in my heart because my students are not only listening to my stories but going home and sharing them with their families. Sharing our own stories and experiences is invaluable.
My students call me Ms. Katja, at a school where about 1/3 of the school goes by first name, so they obviously know my first name. But when I write my name atop my paper during lessons, I write Katja Frazier. And when another teacher comes in the room, they might refer to me as Katja, as I usually refer to Ms. Williams as Phaelyn when I am speaking directly to her, even if there are students around. One of my favorite times of the year is when a student will look at me and call me Katja with a sly smile. I quickly remind them that they forgot the Ms. but am secretly overjoyed. They are knowingly attempting to talk to me like a person, and not just a teacher. This inevitably happens, usually in the spring, and is never a surprise to me that someone attempted it. I know being called by your first name without the Ms. or Mr. might be too much for some teachers and that’s ok. But for the moment that it happens, to me, it represents a comfort level that I have been seeking all year.
So lets share our stories and our details and our emotions with our kids. If you are self-conscious about your age or name, or some other detail about your life, then don’t share it. But the idea is for students to see you as a human being. They will grow to love and respect you for the person you are as you grow to love and respect them for the people they are. When you humanize yourself, you will do more smiling, and less “because I told you to.” You are not a robot who collects homework and gives commands and calls home when a child is in trouble. Students will open up to you because you are a person, a human, a real being. Don’t wait to smile at Christmas. Slap a smile on before you even walk in on the first day. Smile when you are setting up your classroom and pour your love into the environment before they even get there. Smile as every child walks through the door, from the first day to the last, and mean it. Open up and let them in, even on your rough days, even when you might be struggling. Humanize yourself and your students and you will find yourself not wanting to let go on June 28th.
My first day of school smile.